Friday, March 06, 2009

Reset

As my thousands of fans have noticed, I have been a bit absent from lovely Pajiba and this very blog. But do not cry for me, loyal fans, because I'm still here. A bit skinnier, but still here. More and more (pleasantly) annoying because I'm quitting smoking, but still here. More pensive, but still here.

You know when you see yourself through somebody else's eyes? And it really sucks? And you really wanna do something about it?

In geeky words, I'm reboting myself. I'm trying to make some changes. I don't know... I looked back on last year and realized that at some point I lost my compass and ended up becoming someone I don't particularly like, and I don't wanna think that someone is a natural progression of my personality. I wanna be better than who I am right now. I know I have it in me, deep down, somewhere I'm probably too scared to have a look or something.

Writing again has helped. Let me stop lying: re-reading old scripts has helped. It's helped me realized how much work needs to be done, and how I often end up going in circles, probably because I'm too damn scared to write that final scene. I hate final scenes. If it were up to me my scripts would be three hundred pages long. But I'm trying to be more mature about it and realize that all things, good or bad, must come to an end.

I wanna go back to the happier Sofi I used to be right before I "rented" myself to the system. I don't feel conflicted about my job at all; that old question of 'should I do what I love for a living or should I swallow my pride and do something else to reach a greater end?' isn't really a question for me. I just did what needed to be done, end of story. The thing is, I can't pretend it didn't affect me. I've become more... bitter, I guess. Pajiba's comment section was the perfect outlet for me to take all my anger and frustration and turn it into vagina jokes and stuff. Now I'm trying to regain my cool.

My guitar is a great companion, and I'll rock the Godtopus out of it every chance I get. But I also wanna be a better friend, and actually be there when I'm with my friends, which I think I did this summer. I'm slightly autistic, or so they say. I live in my own world, a world for Sofía, and I'm not good at letting people in it. Or if I do it, I let them in in a totally inappropriate way, or I get ahead of myself and start things backwards.

I wanna take my time. I wanna get to know people better, I wanna really listen to them and learn about what moves them and enjoy their stories. I love family and childhood stories, and people give me weird looks when I ask about them. Now I gotta figure out a way to make them feel more comfortable. I don't wanna be afraid to ask, "Seriously, what went wrong?" to an ex flame, or question people, not because I wanna judge them, but because I wanna understand them. I'm so sick of playing the victim in my family. I'm less and less afraid to talk to my mom about my stuff. I wanna make the most of the time I'll have with my best friend, and introduce her to some of the friends I've reconnected with during her absence. I want her to push me more bluntly and not as subtly as she's done it so far. I want us to be sisters again.

I guess I have a lot of work to do, and so many changes are ahead of me. Now it's just filling Visa forms, but soon it'll be hearing the question, "so, what are you all about?" and knowing what I'm gonna answer. Not just in Boston. Everywhere.

So I guess I'll meet you there. Reloaded.