Over the past two weeks I've devoured both of Chelsea Handler's books, My Horizontal Life: a Collection of One-Night Stands and Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Now, I got the books expecting to have a laugh, but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined drawing life lessons from Miss Handler's tales.
The following excerpt can be found in Are You There, Vodka? It's me, Chelsea, in the chapter entitled Re-Gift, page 180, and I can only wish I'd gotten my hands on this baby back when people invented stupid e-mail chains about bad luck and love and angels and true friendship. Because everyone knows that if you don't forward one of those e-mails you'll end up alone eating your own toe nails.
"I understand if people want to e-mail me pictures of their babies by themselves, but there is no way I'm going to join Kodak's photo gallery to look at a picture of someone's pet standing by itself in front of Niagara Falls. This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I was actually pleased because I had gathered the materials necessary to respond appropriately. I clicked reply and sent Morgan a picture of my cleaning lady. Standing next to the toilet, alone. I attached a message that read, "Not interested? Me neither."
I was in the subway when I read this, and I exploded into fits of laughter. It was rush hour and I knew people were giving me weird looks, but I just couldn't help myself. I laughed and laughed and laughed until I started to sweat and I had to literally wipe my forehead and have some water because my idiotic giggles got out of hand. And let me tell you something: when I find something very funny my laugh is not subtle. It's loud and high-pitched and there's always some snorting to be expected. My body shakes and I bend over and back and I get all red, and for a while there are no real sounds coming out of my mouth because I'm trying to catch my breath but I still look like I'm laughing really loud.
I tried to move on to the next page, but my head kept going back to the above paragraph and I kept on laughing. I showed the excerpt to my dad and he laughed as well. I translated it to one of my friends and she immediately changed her Google Chat status to "Chelsea rules!!!" I can only hope this will start a series of dumb e-mails with my friends which will consist on sending stupid pictures to each other and write "Not interested? Me neither" on the body.