Friday, October 03, 2008

Riding Pipeline, The Sarah Palin Porn Flick

(Open on the PALIN residence, Wasilla, Alaska. Evening. Governor SARAH PALIN is sitting on the couch, reading "all of the magazines." She is wearing a satin negligee and bunny slippers. Her luxurious brown hair is in a bun. Her glasses rest just so on the bridge of her nose. TODD is out of town on business. TRIGG is peacefully asleep upstairs. There is a firm knock at the door. PALIN puts down her reading material and goes to answer it.)

PALIN: Who is it?

GRUFF MALE VOICE: It's JOE, the tanning-bed repairman.

(PALIN unlocks the door and opens it)

PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago, doncha know?

JOE: I'm sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.

PALIN: Well, you're in luck. I just baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. Why don't you come inside and I'll fix you a plate of 'em?

(JOE obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. PALIN enters the kitchen and returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to JOE, but not before looking him up and down.)

PALIN: My oh my. That's quite a toolbelt you have on. It looks heavy.

JOE: I have a big hammer.

PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America's diverse tools, big and small. They're what helps make us so great as a nation. Here, let me take that off for ya.

(PALIN takes a seat on the coach beside JOE and starts to undo his belt. He stops her.)

JOE: Let's go take a look at the tanning bed first.

PALIN: Oooh, okay.

(PALIN leads JOE to the tanning salon in the basement. JOE carefully inspects the machine.)

JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.

PALIN: (seductively) You're in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling.

(PALIN pounces on JOE and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She quickly rips off his jeans.)

PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya!

JOE: I'm bigger than a moose. Do you have any contraceptives?

PALIN: It's okay. I already took a morning-after pill.

JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?

PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill is? Because I totally do! I'll get back to ya with specifics.

(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. PALIN amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)

PALIN: Fuck me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!

(After 10 minutes, the two finish.)

PALIN: Wow-eee. I haven't had a ride that good since Todd took me for a spin on the back of his Yamaha at the Tesoro Iron Dog.

JOE: That was amazing. What now?

PALIN: I feel so alive! Let's grab my gay friend and go shoot wolves from the safety of a helicopter.

(End scene)

Source: Radar Online

3 comments:

Rusty said...

So… if she becomes the next Vice President, I can crash at your place for like, maybe four-ish years?

I can totally cook.

meaux said...

Heehee, that's too funny! Got to feel bad for our American friends.... Oh, and Genny/Rusty: if you clean too, you can totally crash at my place!

Chile would have a nicer climate, though...maybe we can both crash there?

Sofìa Vicuña said...

You're all welcome to crash here ;)