Sunday, March 19, 2006

Damn the devil to hell

Today it's one of those days, weeks, months, years when you feel like saying fuck a lot. And I'm Chilean, meaning I have a wide variety of curse words to choose from, but I choose the word 'fuck' because it pretty much sums up my mood. Fuck is to my mood what air is to human beings: it's my life essence.

Why, oh why, am I in such a bad mood? Because I hate my major, and I have to put up with 2 and a half years of more crap. 5 semesters of misery, only one semester giving me the chance to work on film. The rest are just crap. Crap, crap, crap. My plan was to freeze my studies here, pack my bags and go to Texas to live with my sister and study in the radio-film-TV in the University of Texas. Unfortunately I have to finish what I started, and by doing that I'm literally wasting 2 and a half years of my life.

I know, learning is never a waste, but it is when you’re not learning, at least not learning what you want. I have a deep respect for scientists but I don’t give a shit about learning science. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

I hate myself for not being independent and being unable to just go there and finally be happy. I’ve been feeling like this for almost 2 years now. Two years of misery with no way to reverse it are no good for a maniac depressive. And I tried logotherapy and turning this into a positive experience but it didn’t work out ‘cause I’m still here, in my mediocre world, being a mediocre student, living a mediocre life and feeling mediocre happiness. I’m sick and tired of denial. It just slaps me on the face every time I think I have it together.

On good news, a screenwriter agency is interested in representing me, they sent me a contract and all. All I need now is for someone is the business to do a critique of my screenplay, send the contract and they’ll start the selling process. I haven’t found anyone to help me yet, but I’ve already asked for an extension in the contract submission deadline, so I have some time.

Know anyone in the biz? Then help me out, please. If they manage to sell my script I’m out of here. No questions asked. I’ll sweep floors if I have to and I’ll sing “matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match” while I’m at it.

I’m turning 21 on Tuesday and I’m having a party on Friday. I hope all my friends show up. I need some serious lovin’, folks.

Meanwhile I’m dedicating all of my writing time to my period piece. It takes place in the late 1920’s, before the crash, and DAMN IT it’s fun!!! Love it.

I sort of found my female soulmate. We’re the same in so many ways, I feel like we’re versions of ourselves in different ages. Sometimes when I read her e-mails I picture myself being like her in a few years and at the same time I recognize some attitudes I had when I was younger, but mostly I recognize my present self in her words. Maybe she feels the same about me, I don’t know. Having cyber friends is weird. Having cyber soulmates is even more bizarre, like reading yourself through the screen. If I love her, does that mean I love myself? That would be pretty cool right now.

I have a thing for Garden State. The more I watch it the more pretentious I find it. I don’t know, it has so many loose ends and I’m so keen on finding the errors and flaws that it’s lost most of its appeal, that appeal you see on films when you watch them for the first time and you’re fascinated by them. This is the first time this happens to me with a film. It’s weird. Still, it’s a good movie but I don’t consider it “The Graduate” or “Fight Club” of our generation. It would’ve been if Braff had kept it simple and not tried to find quirkiness in every scene, line and sound. But the best thing about this film is that I didn’t have to buy the soundtrack ‘cause I already had the CDs of the artists featured in it. Yay for me. maybe I’m pissed because he already used The Shins in his soundtrack when it was my plan all along to introduce them to the world and take all the credit for it along with some t-shirts and guitar picks.

I need to cut down on the cigarettes, diet coke and sleepless nights. I need to save some money, kick ass in school and stop being such a spoiled brat.

Fuck me.


Jose said...

Es probable que lo más correcto que yo debiera decirte es que si empiezas algo tienes que temrinarlo. Puede ser que esto último sea válido en ciertas ocaciones, pero para todas.

Y a veces es mejor correr el riesgo. Igual muchos piensan que dos años no son nada, pero en realidad yo sé que tanto tu como yo sabemos que dos años,-para personas que gran parte del tiempo piensan en crear y en miles de proyectos- es HARTO.

Después de todo la vida es bien corta. Me imagino que todo el mundo te dice que vayas por lo correcto. Pero no siempre lo correcto o lo que se suele aparentar correcto, es lo mejor.

Bueno cuando decidas escaparte me avisas, y yo me consigo un helicoptero para luego raptarte y dejarte lejos de acá (texas). Si quieres puede ser un submarino tb, pero yo prefiero un helicoptero, pues abajo del mar pienso que me faltará el aire y me daran suponsios,jajaja.

Terminé hablando estupideces para que te rias un rato. Ya me voy a dormir mejor, ya es tarde.

Acabo de ver las fotos, me reí mucho. jajajaja

Un beso mom.
lots of love

Jose said...

Puede ser que esto último sea válido en ciertas ocaciones, pero NOOO para todas.******


Maja said...

Why do you HAVE to finish what you started? Maybe you're just not ready for the next step yet..

The time you enjoy wasting isn't a waste of time.. maybe if you pretend you're enjoying yourself you'll start actually enjoying yourself before you know it?

Good luck getting on with it!

Isabel said...

mija...pucha cai...lo único que tengo pa ofrecerte es mi humilde compañia, putear juntas a duoc y bueno...tratar de mejorar lo que queda de ese horrible lugar. sólo eso tengo pa ofrecer...aparte de mucho isa love(vil copia)...ya
me despido