Sunday, May 01, 2011

William & Kate: The Movie

I just saw Lifetime’s movie about the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, William and Catherine, and I have only one thing to say about it: IT’S THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. I was so impressed by it that I decided to make a livetime review of this masterpiece.

00:00:01: We're off to a good start. The opening titles say William & Kate, and the & is INSIDE Princess Diana's engagement ring, which now rests on Kate's finger. The director's ability to include this historic piece of jewelry in the movie warns us that what we're about to see is absolutely and irrevocably true to real life events.

00:00:09: See?

00:00:39: This is Kate Middleton.

And this is Kate Middleton.

Separated at birth, right? The only difference is that the actress playing Kate has brown eyes, but the director was opposed to her wearing blue contacts for fear of people stalking her because of her uncanny resemblance to the real Kate. Besides, it would've made the movie look like a documentary.

00:01:12: Prince Charles walks with William. There's no use of blue screen here; the building on the back is REAL.

00:01:26: Prince Charles looks familiar...

He's the same dude who played Prince Malagant in that movie where Richard Gere plays Lancelor. This guy has a PhD on playing princes. His imdb page says he's in talks to play Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

00:02:30: A reporter informs us in voice over that William spent his gap year in CHILE, MOTHERFUCKERS. I'M PART OF THIS MASTERPIECE.

00:04:08: OMG, Kate sees William for the first time. See, Kate is coming back from a run and she just HAS to come in through St. Andrew's library. She runs with her hair down, because we all know how comfortable that is.

00:05:13: Kate goes to her dorm and she and her friends talk about how exciting it is to have William studying there. One of them has to play the party pooper, and we know it's Makeup Girl. Mean girls are always vain in these stories, while the heroine runs with her hair down. Again, because it's so practical.

00:05:39: Kate: "He's just a guy." Makeup Girl: "Right... who just happens to be handsome, sexy, rich, and the future king of England." The dialogue in this movie is rivaled only by Patrick Marber's writing for Closer.

00:07:43: Prince William has a goofy friend who loves to party. His hair is all out of place and he makes funny faces, tee-hee.

00:09:39: Kate and William formally meet. They're in the same study group. Prince William's favortie artists are Monet and Cezanne, because he likes the way they play with the light and stuff. This guy is sensitive.

00:10:36: Wait, Kate has a boyfriend?! What's happening? Where is this going???!!!


OMG, Kate was *also* in Chile! Kate and William have stuff to talk about thanks to me. Take that, Argentina...

00:18:38: Harry! On one hand, bummer 'cause he's not dressed as a nazi. On the other hand, yay Harry!

00:19:38: William is mad 'cause daddy won't let him transfer to another school. Boo-hoo.

00:20:49: William calls Kate from his private jet and tells her he's feeling a little frustrated. Like any Manic Pixie Dream Girl would do, Kate advices him to do what he really wants to do because he should follow his heart and stuff. The lack of foam in William's glass tells me he's drinking Fanta and not a fanshop (Fanta + Beer. Must. Try. Now.) What a loser.

00:22:34: Kate models for a charity fashion show. Believe it or not, this really happened.

Rumor has it that it was on this fashion show that Prince William realized that Kate was not a shemale or something, because it seems he'd never thought of her as a CILF, a.k.a., Commoner I'd Like to Fuck.

00:23:57: William wants to kiss Kate but she pushes him away because they're just friends and she has a boyfriend. Kate is the only woman in this movie who's not after William, which makes her the most interesting character of all.

00:24:59: Kate and her boyfriend break up because he's leaving and they don't wanna have a long distance relationship. This is Kate's official Sadface. Something tells me we'll see it again...

00:25:51: The guys are in a pub and William wants to play a song on the jukebox. Goofy Friend tells him to play Queen. That would be a pun, because William is a prince and his grandma is the queen and this movie wants to reminds us of this little nugget of information EVERY CHANCE THEY GET.

00:28:19: William invites his friends to one of his castles and they meet Prince Charles Bananahammock. They go hunting and William and Charles Consuela miss the duck, but Kate DOESN'T. She's a firecracker, this one.

00:29:40: William makes his 317th joke about abdicating the throne, but the joke is so genius and subtle that the more he says it, the better.

00:31:45: The prince and his friends, including Kate, move into a flat (that's an apartment in English) and they have a party. William looks at Kate/CILF and Kate looks at him, too, giving him Sexyface. Which is just like Sadface, but she bites her lip.

00:32:07: ROFLMAO, GOOFY FRIEND PASSED OUT. And he somehow managed to get a tan in Scotland.

00:32:24: William's Other Friend compares a lost bra he found after the party with Cinderella's slipper, and says he'll go from village to village until he finds its rightful owner. Hey, William is not the only Prince Charming in the room! (Fact: that's a direct quote from the movie.) The puns in this movie get better and better.

00:32:50: William tells Kate that he broke up with his girlfriend (I forgot that he had a girlfriend, I was too engrossed in the plot). They stare at each other intensely for the first time... while they're holding a garbage bag. Romantic.


The first thing I learned in film school was that rain makes everything more romantic or dramatic. This is really fucking romantic.

00:34:19: This is known as the Obligatory Morning-After Talk in film lingo. Kate can't believe how unsexy William's chest is. William is psyched 'cause he finally nailed the CILF.

00:35:11: Kate and William start a secret affair. They live in the same flat (remember: flat is English for apartment) so they sneak out of their rooms in the middle of the night to see each other. One night they both walk out of their rooms at the same time and bump into each other in the hallway and it's all like "aawww, we're both horny at the same time!"

00:36:57: Kate takes William home to meet her family. Her parents eat ice cream in the middle of the night because they're commoners.

00:41:50: It's William's 21st birthday bash and Mean Makeup Girl warns Kate that Wills will NEVER get serious about a commoner. Bitch.

00:44:00: Shit, it looks like Mean Makeup Girl was right because William asks his ex-girlfriend to blow the candles with him (just the candles). Kate leaves and says, "I'm just the girl he hangs out with, not the girl he brings home!" It appears that Kate doesn't realize that she is literally in William's home, but never mind. She says she'll never speak to him again.

00:46:29: Sadface strikes back.

00:49:37: This is Happyface.

And why is Kate happy?

Because William is fucking SINGING to her! In public! To apologize for totally ignoring her! So much evidence points to his actually happening that this serenade has its very own Wikipedia page. Look up Royal Karaoke to learn more about it.

00:51:11: The relationship has gone public. Now Mean Makeup Girl is all nice to Kate and even asks her to come to her house, because people still do that after high school. Kate disses her, obvs.

00:52:32: Kate: "We're supposed to be studying." William: "I am studying... I'm studying you." This is some Lord Byron shit. All it needs is a working fireplace.

Oh, wait...

00:55:03: Awww, Kate has Sadface again because she thinks things will change between her and William after graduation. William tells her not to worry. Kate is all like "Yeah, right..."

00:56:17: Prince William is so nice that he hugs visibly well-fed African children. His blond locks can stop hunger.

00:59:02: Kate and her mom have a very private talk about her future with the prince. All of this is happening with the paparazzi just a few feet away. It's like the tension in this movie never STOPS.

00:59:45: The press won't leave Kate alone and they compare her to Diana. They even take pictures of her crotch, Britney-style.

00:59:58: Now they're harassing Kate outside her house. That big-ass zoom lens is trying to get a close-up of her commoner pores.

01:01:11: Mummy Middleton offers to make some tea to relax everyone. That's what the Brits do.

01:01:28: Sadface, this time with a frown. This actress has some RANGE, yo.

01:02:26: Williams asks Prince Charles Consuela to assign Kate a few bodyguards, but Consuela says no because she's not a part of the royal family. There's only one thing left for William to do: teach Kate some protocol.

01:03:40: ...But because Kate is just like one of us, it's not easy for her and she has to lean on the couch for some support. It's like watching The Princess Diaries all over again.

01:04:08: Protocol lady teaches Kate how to get out of a car without showing her knickers (knickers is English for panties. They don't mention it in the movie, but knickers sounds better than undergarments). This is stuff that all of us girls should know.

01:04:46: Sadface AGAIN. Kate is very emotional. Probably because she has lots of feelings.

01:06:07: Goofy Friend tells William that they should go out with Jessica Simpson Look-Alike because he's not gonna be young forever and he should have as much fun as possible before he has to take on more royal duties. William listens to him.

01:07:35: Kate has Sadface 24-7 because William pays no attention to her and would rather go out with his friends and more popstar look-alikes. If I were Kate I'd get a rifle and shoot his ass.

01:08:15: Mr. Sheffield!!

01:08:50: A double decker red bus. Because this is London.

01:08:56: That redhead looks awfully familiar...

OMG, stalker!

01:10:10: Kate's girl friends ask her if she's marrying William, but she says that not yet because he's doing his military training and he's NOT ignoring her.

01:11:45: Kate and William argue in the car because he wants to join the RAF to be a pilot and he didn't consult it with her. She tells him that he's totally ignoring her and William says that he needs some space and Kate says, "You want space? OK, I'll give you space" and she gets out of the car and ohmygod the suspense is killing me.

01:13:19: They break up. Kate is not happy and she brings out Sadface In The Tub With Red Wine and Tabloids on the Tiles.

01:13:43: Kate is in bed reading even more tabloids that portray her as pathetic and suicidal because she was dumped and Mummy Middleton tells her to slut it up for a while so William can see what he's missing, or something like that.

01:14:59: Obligatory Kate The Party Animal Montage. There was no use of blue screen here either.

01:15:28: William hangs out with his friends at the palace but there's a sad piano on the background and now it is William who's sporting Sadface. He misses Kate. William reads the tabloids and realizes that Kate is having the time of her life and he wants to call her but he puts the phone away. Crap, you just can never tell how this things are gonna end.

01:18:01: William calls Kate! In the rain! Because we all know you get better reception that way! Kate says she can't really talk now and William has Sadface again. Gosh, the rain makes everything more tragic.

01:19:42: William talks to his daddy about Princess Di's accident and asks him why he didn't protect her from the press. Charles tells him that that's part of royal life and that he grew up in a different time and that he didn't marry Camilla because his mommy the Queen (not the band) didn't approve of her and Camilla couldn't wait for him forever so she married someone else and he married Diana, in case you didn't know. When Charles says "wait" something clicks in William's mind... Wait... Waitie Katie... KATE CAN WAIT NO MORE. He's not gonna make the same mistakes as his dad and now there's optimistic music playing and I just hope he does the right thing.

01:22:35: Kate is rowing with her friends, just like the guys from The Social Network, and William yells at her from the dock because he needs to talk to her. She asks him to wait because she's really busy. Girl is standing her ground. Good for you, Kate!

William is so desperate and romantic that he starts taking his clothes off so he can jump in the water and talk to her. A prince getting wet for a commoner!! It's usually the other way around, if you know what I mean...

...but in yet another extraordinarily unexpected twist that makes as much sense as 2+2=4, it is KATE who jumps in the water to go to him. Because that's what women on the rebound do.

William: "I love you, Kate Middleton." SWOON.

01:24:51: (8) I bless the rains down in Aaaaafricaaaa (8)

01:25:29: In yet ANOTHER unexpected twist, William proposes to Kate in Africa.

01:26:05: She says yes! But this scene is missing something...

I know..... ROBOTS!

Told ya’ it was the best movie ever.